My Moe Mascot Can't Be This Cute!
by Darth-Joker
Summary: In the first week of school following Mikuru Asahina's graduation from North High, the SOS Brigade is desperately searching for a new Moe Mascot to take her place. Can they find a replacement for her in the form of new first year student Kirino Kousaka?


My Moe Mascot Can't Be This Cute!

Most young men my age are dreaming about respectable careers in the fields of business, construction, education, or medicine. They are planning for a productive and prosperous adult life. But like Atlas, of Greek mythology, I have been dealt a far crueler fate than that. In fact, most would say that my burden is even greater than Atlas', for at least he wielded titanic might which he could readily rely upon in order to support the heavens. In sharp contrast to him, titanic might is actually arrayed _against_ me, in the form of a teenage girl that is far more like a God of Mischief than a primordial force for stability.

Still, at least any available avenues for causing such mischief recently declined in numbers. Ah, the lusciously lovely Asahina-san, how elegant you appeared in your graduation dress in that momentous occasion that seemed just like yesterday. You were and are a stunning picture of feminine charm that has now left our poor pitiable Brigade. While I am relieved that Haruhi's reckless mistreatment of you is finally a concern no longer, I also miss the heavenly hospitability that awaited my every visit to the Brigade room, when _you_ were there in the maid outfit, serving everyone tea. It makes my current trek down the corridors of North High this afternoon one with less anticipation, on my part, than what has usually been the case over the past year.

More to the point, Haruhi is now beside herself in desperation, and the last thing we need is two Haruhis, even in a proverbial sense. She has _commanded_ that the SOS Brigade must, _absolutely must you understand_, find a fitting replacement for the Moe Mascot role that Asahina-san quite amicably filled until she recently vacated it. So, like some glorified corporate headhunter staking out the branch offices of competitors in the hopes of stealing away top corporate talent in a dubious flight, I have been made to scout out the new first year students of North High, to see if any of them could replace Asahina-san. The very idea of replacing Asahina-san is heresy of the worst kind, of course, but such ideas have never stopped Haruhi before.

And now I find that I am at the front door of the Brigade room, a military scout that has to report to the most unreasonable of Generals, some very bad news. Somehow, I doubt that Haruhi will be receptive to the common cry of "Nobody shoots a Messenger". So, with a hefty sigh and considerable dread, I grip the doorknob and pull it back, feeling like I'm about to confront the ferryman Charon in order to cross the Styx.

"Ah, Kyon, there you are!" exclaimed Haruhi, as she rapidly twisted about to face me, while standing in front of the Brigade Chief's desk, and with her hands on her hips, "Did you successfully complete the mission that I gave you?"

The blasphemous mission to find a person to replace Asahina-san? No, Haruhi, that predictably did not go too well.

"Huh, what do you mean?" asked Haruhi, her face going from one of gleeful anticipation to a frown of disgust, "There must be dozens upon dozens of new first year female students now here at this school, Kyon! At least one of them must have the moe qualities necessary to be the SOS Brigade's next Moe Mascot!"

There is only one Asahina-san. The mould was broken when she was made.

"I miss Mikuru-chan too, but the SOS Brigade can't go on without a Moe Mascot!" exclaimed Haruhi in turn, as she walked hurriedly behind me as I went to take my usual place at the table in the Brigade room, sitting opposite to Koizumi, who somehow is able to whimsically smile through all of this commotion.

Calmly sitting in a corner, reading a book, is Nagato, as always.

"Look, Haruhi, is it really necessary for the SOS Brigade to have a Moe Mascot?" I asked in a loud tone, hoping to persuade Koizumi or Nagato to agree with me, "Our Brigade has already made quite the name for itself. I'm sure that if anybody feels the sudden urge to go hunting for spirits on Mount Fuji that they'll come to us first for assistance."

"Hunting for spirits on Mount Fuji…" mused Haruhi to herself, one finger playing at the side of her lips, and with her annoying habit to take seriously something that I meant in jest.

"You know, Kyon, that's actually not a bad idea!" shouted Haruhi, putting her blindingly beaming face close up to mine, while displaying enough exuberance to enliven even the worst baseball team into hitting three straight homeruns.

Unfortunately, running home is not a serious option for me, leaving me sighing under my breath, which prompts Koizumi to chuckle slightly at my misfortune.

"So, Koizumi…" began Haruhi, as she turned to him, while motioning crisply and theatrically with her hands, "You and your friends and relatives have often been very helpful when it comes to the SOS Brigade going on important journeys, searching for the extraordinary and the fantastic! Do you think that they can help us out _again_, with a trip to Mount Fuji?"

Nervous beads of sweat began to form on Koizumi's brow, accentuating his now nervous smile. Not so funny when _you're_ in the hot seat, is it, Koizumi?

"Well, I'll certainly make inquiries concerning this particular request of yours" he answers, "I'm confident that some arrangements can be made, but it will probably take awhile, I hope that you…"

Before Koizumi can finish his sentence, however, a loud knock is heard at the door. All of us, even Nagato, immediately took notice of it.

"I wonder who that could be?" asked a perplexed Haruhi out loud, before a wide smile formed across her face as she found a pleasing thought to answer her own question, "I wonder if it's a new client here for the special services that only the SOS Brigade offers! We haven't had one of those in ages!"

_Sigh_… Just answer the door, Haruhi.

Haruhi then grunted contemptuously at my general lack of enthusiasm over the entire prospect of yet another fruitless hunt for the extraordinary and the bizarre.

However, Haruhi quickly moved over to the door, and pulled the door back in order to greet whoever it was that was knocking at it.

Standing waiting at the door was a tall, amber-haired girl with the style and grace of a professional model. Upon Haruhi opening the door, this amber-haired girl instantly bowed politely, one hand folded over the other at her waist, displaying impressive social grace.

"Good day" she said, while in mid-bow, "I am _**Kirino Kousaka**_, a new first year student here at North High. I wish to speak to SOS Brigade Club Leader _Suzumiya-Senpai_."

This _Kousaka-san_ then moved her posture back to a standing upright position, while looking plainly and politely ahead at Haruhi. Haruhi blinked uneasily for a second, startled at how a first year student could so confidently approach a third year student like that.

"…Ah… _yes_, I'm SOS Brigade Chief Haruhi Suzumiya!" managed Haruhi in excited reply, and a wide smile, after regaining her composure. "Please come in!"

"Thank you" responded Kousaka-san, with a polite smile, as she then walked into the SOS Brigade Room, as Haruhi held the door open for her.

Kousaka-san's eyes darted quickly about the interior of the SOS Brigade Clubroom, as she began to size up everything in her immediate field of vision.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance" said Koizumi to Kousaka-san, as he stood up from his chair to greet her.

However, Kousaka was too caught up in looking all around the room to take much notice of Koizumi's greeting, a fact that was not lost on either of us. Kousaka-san's eyes finally rested upon the sight of Asahina-san's old _Battle Waitress_ outfit that Haruhi had used for our student movie a year and a half ago now, and which Asahina-san had agreed to let us keep to remember her by. At the sight of the Battle Waitress outfit, Kousaka-san's eyes began to light up, and a grin formed across her face.

"Do you like what you see?" asked Haruhi with a boastful smile, as she closed the club room door behind her, and could tell that Kousaka-san was fond of at least that one particular costume.

Kousaka-san's reaction to Haruhi's question startled all of us, causing even Nagato to become more alert and visibly attentive.

"Yes, _**absolutely!**_" exclaimed Kousaka-san, as she proceeded to practically pounce on Haruhi, grabbing both of Haruhi's hands with both of her own, and pulling Haruhi in close towards her in a jerking motion.

Whoever this Kousaka-san is, she must be pretty strong to be able to pull Haruhi about like that!

Kousaka-san seemed to tower over Haruhi here, as she energetically smiled down at Haruhi, who still had her mouth open a bit in shock at Kousaka-san's sudden change in composure.

"Your Mikuru movie was _**truly outstanding!**_" continued Kousaka-san in profuse praise, while still holding Haruhi hands tightly with her own, "It was such a fitting homage to magical girl anime!"

Haruhi's initial visible shock at being pulled about by Kousaka-san rapidly subsided to become a brilliantly bright broad smile.

"It _was_ a truly outstanding movie, wasn't it?" asked Haruhi rhetorically, as she closed her eyes while exuding great pride, "See, Kyon, that movie was such a success that even two years later it's _still_ gaining new fans!"

"How did you find out about the movie we made?" Koizumi asked of Kousaka-san, finding it odd, as I did, that a first year North High student that was only a few days into her first term here, had already taking it upon herself to go searching through the school archives.

"Suzumiya-senpai is very popular and well-known here at North High!" answered Kousaka-san, as she smiled one last time at Haruhi, before finally releasing Haruhi from her hold, turning to confidently face Koizumi while holding one arm at her side and the other arched at her hip, "She is an accomplished student, athletic star, and clearly a person of many talents. After hearing so much about Suzumiya-senpai from other students, I took it upon myself to find and watch this famous magical girl student film, since I myself… used to love those types of shows growing up."

Kousaka-san blushed slightly with those last few words, as though they were not entirely honest, or an attempt to maintain some type of secret. Why was she acting so sheepishly over the fact that she liked magical girl shows while she was growing up? That's not entirely unusual for young girls, and not really cause for embarrassment. Is it possible that Kousaka-san herself is a "magical girl" of sorts? Perhaps she is the _slider_ that Koizumi and I had long speculated about!

"That's a good enough answer for me!" shouted Haruhi, as she brought one hand down from behind to land on Kousaka-san's shoulder, showing that Haruhi had already taken a liking to this first year student, "Still, that doesn't really explain why you are here… Kousaka-san, is it?"

"Yes, that's my name" responded Kousaka-san, turning to face Haruhi, "But isn't it _obvious_ why I'm here?"

Haruhi blinked uneasily again at these words, not sure what to make of them.

"I want you to turn me into a **movie star** like you did for Asahina Mikuru!" exclaimed Kousaka-san in frenzied passion, as she clasped her two hands over Haruhi's two shoulders while gazing down at Haruhi, keeping eye contact with her, "I want to become a magical girl superstar!"

Koizumi and I were now the ones blinking uneasily and making nervous looks over that request. Somebody actually _wants_ to go through the same sort of ordeals that Asahina-san did?

Kousaka-san could tell that Koizumi and I were finding her request more than a little strange, and hence she once more tried to sheepishly explain herself.

"P-please understand me…" continued Kousaka-san, as she turned to face Koizumi and I again, while anxiously holding one hand behind her head, scratching her hair to try to relax herself, "It's not that I have any sort of strange obsession with magical girls, or anything like that! I just know how popular Asahina Mikuru was when she was here. What girl _wouldn't_ want to be popular like that?"

The apprehensive looks of Koizumi and I faded with these words, as it certainly wasn't unusual for high school girls to want to be popular. We were all too familiar with how Haruhi had come to embrace that, after all.

"_Well_…" began Haruhi, becoming very serious over Kousaka-san's words, while walking around her, openly deliberating on what Kousaka-san had said, "The next North High cultural festival is several months away, you know. While I'm not opposed to making another movie like the Mikuru-chan one, it won't be something we'll be doing anytime soon."

Haruhi then took her usual seat in the Brigade clubroom while continuing to explain her overall position to Kousaka-san.

"And as much as I hate to say it…" stated Haruhi, as she looked with strange sympathy up into the eyes of Kousaka-san, while Kousaka-san continued standing, listening carefully to Haruhi's every word, "You just don't look the role of a magical girl. I mean, you're a bit tall to be a classic moe character type. You're even two or three inches taller than _I_ am! A moe magical girl is someone who has to be _cute_ and _small_, causing feelings of desire and protectiveness to arise in the heart of every young adult male that looks at her!"

Kousaka-san's facial expression started to become a depressed one over these words.

"But while the moe magical girl must be cute and small _overall_, it also helps if she has _incredibly large breasts_, just like Asahina-san had! And your breasts are, _well_…"

Kousaka-san's facial expression now showed her sinking even deeper into a pit of emotional despair.

It's at this point that I felt a need to stand up for the poor girl.

"Hey, Haruhi" I shouted, "How can you be so _rude_ to Kousaka-san after she was so complimentary towards you?"

_Insanely_ complimentary, may I add…

"I don't _want_ to be, Kyon!" exclaimed Haruhi in reply to me, "But these are legitimate issues that I'm raising here! Not just _any_ girl can make a good magical girl heroine!"

"B-but I can be moe!" protested Kousaka-san on her own behalf, "Really, I can!"

Everyone's focus shifted to Kousaka-san with those words, as we all became curious over how she intended to display moe to us. Noticing everyone's attention now falling on her, Kousaka-san began to blush slightly. Well, even I had to admit that Kousaka-san looked rather moe when she blushes embarrassingly. She then rushed over to Haruhi to whisper something into her ears, cupping one hand around her mouth while she whispered it.

"Let me perform the _Magical Girl Meru_ song in front of you, and you'll see that I can play a convincing a magical girl" Kousaka whispered to Haruhi, "Just ask everybody else to leave the room while I perform it just for you as I can be a bit… _shy_ around guys."

"Being shy around guys is_ good_ for a moe magical girl" Haruhi stated outright to all of us, demonstrating to Kousaka-san that being discreet wasn't really a quality of Haruhi's, "So please perform this _Magical Girl Meru_ song in front of the entire SOS Brigade! If it makes me think that you can be an effective magical girl then I'll take you up on your request!"

Kousaka-san then backed off from Haruhi, a bit horrified at how indiscreet Haruhi could be. Normally I'd feel like chastising Haruhi here, but it's probably best for Kousaka-san's own sake to learn what Haruhi is _really_ like.

Beads of sweat started to form on Kousaka-san's head and face, as she looked around the room, at Koizumi, Nagato, and I, as though pleading with us to protest against Haruhi's decision to keep us here to watch her performance. Unfortunately for Kousaka-san, none of us wanted to miss this for the world.

"Please feel free to demonstrate your musical talents to all of us, Kousaka-san" stated Koizumi with a friendly smile.

"I have read nine thousand four hundred and seventy-six books involving 'magical girl' characters" added Nagato, "I am…_ interested_ in seeing how a person who is entertained by them would seek to replicate their appearance and mannerisms."

"I have no objections to make" I stated, while shrugging my shoulders.

Sensing that the ball was now decidedly in her court, Kousaka-san swallowed hard, and tried to gather up the courage to put on this musical performance.

"Al-All right, **I'll do it!**" she exclaimed sternly, "But if anybody so much as giggles at this performance, then that person will be made to regret it!"

So Kousaka-san has a fiercer side to herself that she had been keeping in check so far. She is certainly quite different from Asahina-san.

"Don't worry" stated Haruhi towards Kousaka-san, while standing up out of her chair and leaning towards Kosaka-san's general direction, "No Brigade member would laugh at a sincere musical performance without my approval!"

Apparently, Haruhi now claims unquestioned jurisdiction over even our funny bones.

"Ok" managed Kousaka-san in reply, before breathing in deeply, "Here I go!"

Throwing caution and inhibitions to the wind, Kousaka-san began twisting and twirling her body about in a carefully choreographed dance routine, while singing some oddly paradoxical and disturbing musical lyrics. I never knew that magical girls could be so _**violent**_…

Making playful and well-timed gestures with her arms, hands, and fingers, Kousaka-san soon became comfortable within her performance, with earlier jitters clearly giving way to her desire to impress Haruhi. While the song itself was lacking, I had to admit that Kousaka-san's performance was a solid one. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if any people walking just outside of the SOS Brigade clubroom might overhear it, and stop and wonder what this could possibly be all about. For Kousaka-san's sake, I hope that no curious onlooker peers in while she is in her performance, threatening to interrupt it and embarrass her.

Thankfully that did not happen, and Kousaka-san's _Magical Girl Meru _performance eventually came to a conclusion, with her bowing to the four remaining members of the SOS Brigade. While this bow was done in part to add to the performance, I could also sense that it was meant to hide her beat red face, flushed with embarrassment.

Koizumi instantly rose out of his chair, and applauded, desiring to end Kousaka-san's discomfort.

"Very well done, Kousaka-san!" he said, while clapping his hands, "It takes courage to put on a performance like that, and you not only put on such a performance, but you did it with great style and panache."

"Your movements had sound economical precision to them" stated Nagato, "It is clear that you have spent many days and hours practicing for this."

I'm not sure that's what Kousaka-san wants people to think, Nagato.

With a look of supreme amusement and childlike cheer on her face, Haruhi made a few humming giggles of glee while she walked rapidly over to Kousaka-san.

"We've found her, Kyon!" she exclaimed to me, while she stood next to Kousaka-san, wrapping one arm around her shoulders.

"Y-you've found what?" asked Kousaka-san, as she gingerly came from out of a tentative slight crouch to stand more upright.

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Haruhi of Kousaka-san, staring into her eyes, "You were excellent, Kousaka-san! **You're definitely going to be the next Moe Mascot of the SOS Brigade!** In fact, I never thought that my Moe Mascot could be so cute! The fact that you really put your entire heart into the role gives you an edge that Asahina-san was tragically lacking."

"…So you'll direct another student film like the Magical Girl Battle Waitress one?" asked Kousaka-san to Haruhi, "And I'll have the starring role?"

"Yes!" answered Haruhi definitively, "It's something that I'll look forward to! **Welcome to the SOS Brigade!**"

"That's great!" exclaimed Kousaka-san, pumping one fist up into the air "I can't wait to be a magical girl superstar!"

And with that, Haruhi and Kousaka-san shared a long laugh between the two of them.

Well… it looks like the SOS Brigade has found its new Moe Mascot. But given the somber telling look that Koizumi was giving me while Haruhi and Kousaka-san were too caught up in their laughter, I could instantly tell that there could be some sort of curse lying behind this apparent blessing…

To be continued…


End file.
